Sometimes Foodie: Bon Bon BUMMER - Black Tongue Lollipops

Black Tongue Lollipops - Dollar Tree

I grabbed these at the Dollar Tree because they reminded me of the Tongue Painter gumballs my teacher used to use as incentives for good behavior back in the 90's. Did anyone else's teacher create a fake currency that could be earned inside their classroom and used to purchase candy, pencils, or free "No homework" passes? Or was that just me? (Also, my fellow 90's Jersey kids, no one else did fluoride rinses in their classrooms. That was a weird program think that only happened to us!)

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to try some candy and paint my tongue black but I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Watch the video above to see what happens, or keep reading below for the written post and close-ups.

Okay so the back design isn't great, but it's only $1.00, so I wasn't expecting all that much. The bright neon pint and green reminds me of the Tongue Washers brand from my childhood, but this is definitely some kind of bizarre knock-off.

Inside are two flavors of individually wrapped lollipops, black cherry and black grape. I love black cherry, so I went with that flavor first.

Black Cherry: Unwrapped, it doesn't smell like much, and it looks semi-translucent. Kind of like a grape Tootsie Pop. I took a taste and...it's not good. It starts out fake cherry, which is tart, tangy, but not ideal, and quickly turns into...a medicinal nightmare. It has this weird mentholated medicated affect, like a medicated throat drop, that causes the inside of my lip to tingle slightly. It didn't really color my tongue, but I didn't want to eat it for very long because the medicated tingle lingers and it's gross. No thanks.

Black Grape: Against, starts out generic fake purple grape, okay...then turns into what can only be described as Elmer's glue. Literally Elmer's Glue. If you never ate glue as a kid, you're a liar. This tastes just like that, and it's awful. If you're the kid who liked eating paste as a kid, this is the candy for you. Again, I did not like it, so I didn't eat it for very long, and my tongue turned a slight blue-ish color at best.

But wait, there's the gum center I still haven't gotten to. I opted for grape, the lesser of two evils since there was less of a medicated burn, but I only lasted a few minutes before attempting to crunch my way through to end my suffering. I got to the gum...and it was awful. easily the worst gum I have ever had. Now, let me remind you, I ate a Spice Girls lollipop, from ebay, that was made in like, 1997. THAT Spice Girls lollipop was better quality, and the gum was better quality, than THIS.

The gum takes forever to form into gum, and while you wait for that to happen it smashed all up in your teeth. There is no escaping it. It's stringy, sticky, and has a pink wintergreen-like flavoring that was not worth the effort.

I thought these might be fun to toss into my Trick or Treat bowl this year, but this is all trick, no treat. These are going right into ~~hell~~ the trash, where they belong.