Friday, August 21, 2015

Slim Jim Jerky Protein Milkshake - Wayback Burger

Slim Jim Jerky Protein Milkshake - Wayback Burger
Welp...I did it. I ordered a Slim Jim milkshake. Which is a thing that actually exists. When I placed the order at the register, the two (really nice) employees tried to talk me out of it, which is a pretty big red flag, but I really wanted to get something fun to post on the blog, so I ignored their warnings. May the foodie gods have mercy upon my stomach.

I know I posted about these shakes way back when they were first announced, but I honestly had no intention of trying them. Jerky and bug-based shakes? No, thank you. It's been a while since the promo was announced, so when I pulled into the parking-lot to buy my sister a burger for her birthday I was surprised to see the signage was still up. Was it a sign? (Literally, it was.) I figured, okay, they're still here, better give one of them a try.

I asked the really friendly staff about the two shakes, and it turns out the cricket shake was so popular they actually sold out of it's ingredients weeks ago! Who freaking knew everyone would be so excited to drink bug powder. Part of me was a little sad that it wasn't available, but (not so) deep down I was relieved. I really really don't want to eat bugs, so the only option I had left was to get the Jerky shake. I ordered the smallest size available.

The employees were very helpful and polite, and they showed me all of the ingredients used to make it so I could better understand the process, which is pretty similar to a flavored latte at Starbucks. You start with the milkshake base, add a pump of maple flavoring, and a pump of the hickory BBQ syrup and mix it all up. Once blended, it's topped with a sprinkling of some kind of hickory seasoning and a Slim Jim stick is added as an edible garnish.

Visually, it's...not appealing. I mean the shake itself doesn't look all that bad. Without the meaty appendage sticking out of it, it could pass as some kind of vanilla and cinnamon shake, but the's a dead giveaway.

This stuff smells like candied meat, which depending on the person, might be a good or bad thing. For me personally, the smell reminded me of my dog's Pup-peroni. It's not terrible, or vomit inducing, but it's definitely not great.

I took a sip, and you know what. It wasn't that bad. My first few sips tasted like liquid smoke mixed with pancake syrup. I thought to myself, okay, this isn't that bad, I can do this, and then the aftertaste kicked in.

Dear god, this stuff goes from smokey-maple to bottled-Kraft-BBQ-sauce at the drop of a hat! It's scary how spot-on BBQ sauce-y it is! How do they do it? It was literally a clear syrup! I saw it in the bottle! How can anything clear taste this much like BBQ sauce? It's an amazing feat, but it was also...not good. Each sip would go like this, "Mm smokey and sweet....oh dear god I chugged barbecue sauce." I thought dipping the Slim Jim garnish into the milkshake and eating it might make it better, so I gave that a try, and no. It was not better. It just added a black pepper quality to this already mind-boggling beverage.

Being the cheapskate I am, I tried my best to power through it and drink as much of this little shake as I could. I made it about 1/3rd of the way down the cup, and my stomach went, "NOPE. Fuck this!" I caved in and threw the rest of the shake out, which pained me to do so, but the employees were right, this was just undrinkable.

My final verdict? I mean, did any of us really expect it to be any good? It's a jerky milkshake! In what world could that ever be a good idea? Bacon? Okay, bacon works, but Slim Jims? Not so much. I do not recommend this unless you hate yourself and your stomach lining. I'm happy I did it for the blog, because it is interesting and I love that Wayback Burger creates such new and interesting mash-ups, but this was definitely created for shock value, and not to be a successful edible product.

(For the record, the employees swore that the cricket version was really delicious and that you'd never think there were bugs in it at all, and I'm going to take their word for it.)
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  1. Sooo you're saying it's NOT ok to chug BBQ sauce? This shake didn't appeal to me either. The cricket powder one is also a hard pass for me. I've had cricket protein bars before and, just as you'd expect, they're awful. You can't mentally get passed how many poor, disgusting little crickets were murdered just to get 10g of protein out of them.

    1. I'm honestly so happy they sold out of that cricket shake. If they had it in stock I would have felt obligated to try it, since it's so crazy as far as American fast food is concerned, but I just can't do the whole bugs-as-food thing. I'm not squeamish about much, but bugs in my mouth? Nightmare fuel.

    2. Don't do it! As a reader, I can say there are some things way too far out there for me to want you to try, and bug shakes are one of those things. I don't even want to read about you doing it! I'd be twisting in my chair and EWWWWing out loud.

    3. Oh thank goodness. I really really don't think I could have done it anyway, but I'm glad you wouldn't read and laugh at my suffering if I did.

  2. Who the hell came up with slim jim shake?! Good thing you stomached it and if I had tried it I would had puked my guts out. Then blast at the website telling it is the worst idea ever.