Monday, October 23, 2017

3-D Movie Monster Gummies: As Disappointing as Universal's Dark Universe reboots, but cheaper.

Gummy Monsters - The Dollar Tree
When it comes to cheap Halloween decorations, you can't beat The Dollar Tree. I filled my cart with foam tombstones, window clings, glow in the dark signs, comical caution tape, stretchy spider webs, bat garland, paper lanterns, skeleton hands...the list goes on and on. They really outdid themselves with this year's decor, but I can't say the same about their candy selection. 
All of the fun seasonal sweets (like these plastic IV bags filled with candy blood) have been replaced with generic D-list candy. Which even by Dollar Tree standards is pretty bad. I scrounged around and only found two items worth checking out. A seasonal bag of Haribo, and these 3-D monster gummies. At the very least, these should make for some interesting photos...
As far as Dollar Tree packaging goes, this is pretty snazzy. We have a spooky haunted house illustration, bright colors, the promise of finely detailed monster molds, and a clear window so you can examine the candy for yourself to make sure it lives up to the package's claims. Looking through the window, I can see that the colors are a lot less vibrant then what was promised, but I'd be a little worried about eating candy that looked like straight-up highlighters, so that's not a big issue. Turning the bag over, is this the large print edition? This has to be one of the biggest nutritional info panels I have ever seen. 
Inside, each of the gummy goblins are individually wrapped with clear plastic that repeats the spooky house pattern. A nice touch. I started looking through the ghosts and goblins trying to pick my photo-line-up, and I noticed something odd...
Both this bag and the Haribo one I picked up are missing one of their promised varieties. The Haribo gummies, which showed red skeletons on the bag, didn't contain a single red candy. Then this variety bag shows 5 different colored and shaped creatures, but there are no green egg-headed-swamp-creatures to be found. Is this why these products ended up in the Dollar Tree? Because they're mildly defective in terms of promised variety? I hope that's the only flaw here. 
So, even though there are supposed to be five colors/flavors, I can only review 4. On the brightside: the molds are impressively detailed, these gummy ghouls can stand up completely unassisted, which made taking photos super fun, and their transparent jewel-toned colors are pretty appetizing. Lets munch on some monsters! 
Blue Zombie - At first, this tastes like lightly sweetened candle wax, but as you chew a very mild blue freezer popsicle flavor starts to come to the surface. It is not spit-take terrible, but it's definitely not great. The lack of flavor allows it's awful texture to really shine. The best way I can describe this gummy candy is for you to imagine finding a dried-out, prehistoric, hunk of jello in the back of your fridge, and for some awful reason, instead of throwing it away, you eat it. That's what this texture is like, but with 70% less flavor. 
Yellow Frankenstein - Same thick, awful, texture, but this time there is a very VERY mild lemon flavoring. It's like taking a bite out of a tube of lemon lip balm. Disappointing. 
Orange Dracula/Wolfman -  Wow. This is the most un-orange flavored orange candy I have ever had. Tastes like a spoonful of Petrolium jelly with a touch of orange freezer popsicle. The aftertaste is slightly bolder than the other flavors, which is a pleasant but mild orange, but still...it's tastes like a waste of time and calories. 
Purple Zombie - By now I know what to expect. This super weak flavor is just as bad as the others. It has a very mild purple freezer popsicle taste, but for the most part, it tastes like sweetened rubber cement. 
These mini monsters look great, but they taste like mind-numbing boredom. In all my years of reviewing candy, this is the weakest flavor payoff that I have ever experienced. Handing these out for Halloween is a sure-fire way to get your house egged, so even though it pains me to throw away money, these guys are destined for the trash. 
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